How To Make Oats In Ten Minutes: A Tutorial

A complaint I see very often on Twitter and other social media sites is that people who publish online recipes spend too much telling stories in the prologue to their recipe, rather than getting to the actual recipe itself. Well, fret not, for I am here to remedy this sorry state of affairs with my immediately available recipe for oats. Follow the steps given below and you will achieve a quick and easy (somewhat edible) breakfast in around ten minutes.

Step One: Wake up unfairly early on a Sunday (of all days!), much earlier than your peacefully sleeping roommates who are the ones to usually make breakfast. 

Step Two: Wonder if you can somehow go back to sleep as you brush your teeth reluctantly.

Step Three: Discover that sleep is a bygone possibility, stare at said roommates for fifteen minutes as they continue sleeping (still!) without a single care about your predicament ( how rude!). 

Check the time. (Just 9.15??) Take your time in being devastated because you and your friends are used to sleeping till at least an hour later. 

Step Four: Wonder if you can stay hungry until 10.15. If your stomach starts growling, understand that this is a definite “No” from your body and that you cannot, after all, try to forget your hunger by playing Subway Surfers. 

Step Five: Resign yourself to the fact that today's breakfast will have to be made by you. At this point, you can either choose to repent the fact that you used to stand idly by while your hardworking friends did the same, week after week, or you can come to accept the fact that adult life is full of hardships like making oats for breakfast on Sunday mornings. 

Step Six: Discover that there’s no milk on your kitchen shelf. Be irrationally annoyed at the abovementioned roommates for their lax judgment, even though you were the one in charge of getting the groceries this week. 

Remember to keep checking the bedroom from time to time in hopes that the sleeping parties have somehow woken up while making sure to close the door really noisily when you are continually disappointed by the same.

Step Seven: Pour the milk you just bought into the vessel. You’ll need around half the packet for making oats for one person. (Note: You don’t. This is in fact way too much milk, but this won't be revealed to you until it is too late). After severely misjudging the amount of water needed for the milk you took, you can wait for two minutes for the milk to boil. Watch the vessel very carefully. At this time, I would strongly advise that you get bored, go to the front room, and start scrolling through Instagram. This step is essential in making sure that your milk boils over and pours down the side of the pathram onto the kitchen counter. When you finally remember, run to the kitchen just in time to immediately wipe it all off before your roommates have a chance to wake up and be disappointed in you. Again. 

Step Eight: Add a very disproportionate ratio of flattened oats to the mixture. (I used Saffola, you can use your preferred brand here). Please don’t forget to promptly leave the packet open after this, as only then will you manage to feed the entire army of ants you inadvertently let inside the packet. 

Step Nine: Two teaspoons of sugar is recommended for the amount of oats you’ve put in. This will of course be laughably insufficient and will ensure that your oats taste extremely bland, but this would've been the case anyway if you had followed all the steps prescribed above to the T.

Now you wait. After as much time as you think necessary (I gave it like a minute and a half), turn off the stove and pour it all out into a nice clean dish. For a bit of added flavor, you can even choose to slightly burn your fingers a little in the process. Then you can top your bland, undercooked, and watery oats with your choice of topping; I chose crushed biscuits for a bit of crunch, which of course melted and became mush almost immediately after adding. Mmmm, appetizing! Cool down and enjoy (or shove it into your mouth while hot and burn the inside of your mouth, it's up to you). Don't forget to tell your friends that you made the perfect breakfast without their help and hope and pray they don't notice that you can't feel your tongue for two days after. 

And, that, my dear friends, is how you make the perfect, delicious, balanced breakfast. Comment if you wanna see more such fun, easy recipes in the future. See ya! 

 

Picture used for representation purposes only